hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
