epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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