I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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