im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
