i permit you to call me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
