she looked like the before picture.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize