the condom got lost in my hair
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
