Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
