yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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