I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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