You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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