Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
