the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
