If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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