im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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