I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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