i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
