all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
