The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
