I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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