He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
