you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
