Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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