every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
