I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
