The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
