She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
