At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
