Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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