Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
