my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
