I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
