He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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