video games are the ultimate cock blocker
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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