I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
