it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
