I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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