Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
honey bunches of taint.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
