I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
