Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
