if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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