Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
