Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
