Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize