I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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