Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
