Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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