New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
