U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
