New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
