this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
