She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
