just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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