1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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