I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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