you traded sex for a burrito?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
