i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
