I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
