Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
