I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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