There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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