I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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