i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
