I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
