so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize