I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
