I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Drake has all the answers
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
